When I was pregnant with my children, I think I read just about every single pregnancy and baby book out there. I had a plan for everything, and probably even plans for making those plans. I had opinions on everything, and I knew exactly how it was all going to work.
And then I actually went into labour, brought home a baby and everything changed! That’s when the learning really started.
My gorgeous sister in law had a baby recently, and of course she’s been asking for advice. So I couldn’t resist giving her the best of the worst parenting advice that I’d ever heard.
You’ll need to toughen up your nipples for breastfeeding.
Sorry, what? How exactly do you go about doing that? Sandpaper? A gentle 10 minute squeeze with a nutcracker? The mind boggles.
If your baby bites you while you’re breastfeeding, bite him back.
Awesome advice. And if the little bugger happens to pee on you while you’re changing his nappy, well, just pee on him right back!
Sleep as much as you can while you’re pregnant because you won’t get any once the baby arrives.
Yep, start socking away some hours in the sleep bank. Because that’s going to help.
You shouldn’t swim while you’re pregnant because your baby could drown.
Somebody actually said this to a friend of mine while she was in the pool. Good thing they didn’t see her heading for the showers. Apparently, you also shouldn’t stretch your arms above your head while you’re pregnant, either, because the cord will wrap around the baby’s neck. Not even sure how to react to that one!
Get all your household chores done while the baby’s sleeping.
Because your number one priority with a new baby is a tidy house. Don’t shower, or even have a cup of coffee while it’s still hot. Get those chores done.
Never let that baby cry.
Not once, not ever, right? Because you’ll ruin him for life if you ever let him cry.
You should be doing controlled crying.
Because you’ll ruin that baby if you pick him up every time he cries.
(See how those two work? Damned if you do and damned if you don’t, right?)
Put some vodka in that baby’s bottle. He’ll sleep.
I’m sure he will. But I need that alcohol waaaay more than the baby does.
Keep that baby awake during the day, and he’ll sleep at night.
Yes, that definitely works. The baby will never get so goddamn tired that he Won’t. Sleep. At. All. and is completely hysterical and so are you.
If you really wanted the best education for your child, you’d homeschool.
That’s right. I should keep him at home with me, away from people with actual educational qualifications, without any companions of his own age, and give up the work that I love. My mum planned to homeschool for a year while on a round the world trip with my brothers, and managed a whole week of it before she packed it in.
If it’s your thing, though, I take my hat off to you. You’ve got way more patience than I do!
If I were you, I’d …
Stop right there! Whatever it is, smacking; no TV, ever; force feeding broccoli. Thanks but no thanks. We’re the experts here, we’re his mum and dad. We know this kid, we know what works for him and what works for us. That look you see on my face? That’s my polite STFU face because I don’t want your unsolicited advice while I’m standing in line at the post office.
Best parenting advice ever?
Go home and have a glass of wine. (From my very lovely obstetrician.) Now there’s some parenting advice I can listen to!
Go on, we’d love to know. What’s the worst parenting advice you’ve ever heard?
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